Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
#Caturday
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about