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I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Good morning!
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before