No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
The 4 stages of a family vacation
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this