Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
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