My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat鈥檚 house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 馃檭 she鈥檚 back inside indefinitely
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
The CDC says it鈥檚 a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can鈥檛 get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won鈥檛 CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who鈥檚 stealing all the food from the fridge.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don鈥檛 usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don鈥檛 usually do this.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.