The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!