My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER: