my astrological sign is a french fry
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[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)