My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
You saw nothing. I am ham.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what