Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you