I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.