Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
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Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
bout dat hot dog summer
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress