A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
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“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Self-cleaning conscience
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*