“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
“I wouldn’t.”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
When I grow up, I want to be 16