Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.