sry
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It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!