SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
You Might Also Like
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”