I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?