Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
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best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Sheep
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it