Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.