Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
You Might Also Like
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?