Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
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Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before