HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
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Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
There is no try. There is only give up.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.