[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
had to share :’)
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
No regrets in 2018
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.