Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
hmm conte-me mais
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.