Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.