Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?