How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
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You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.