My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically