Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Personal question. #JustSaying
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Namaste
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
…..pretty much.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.