THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
War & Peace
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls