Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
12. I think about this all the damn time
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*