My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.