She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
#parenting
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…