Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist