You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.