[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
The game has officially changed 😎
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.