Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
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In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects