Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.