Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
This is sending me to another galaxy
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.