8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
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My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
this is literally a CIA plant
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …