I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what