Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
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If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Life is a suicide mission.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants