[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
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*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!