I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
You Might Also Like
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Jogging
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
United Steaks of America
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
sugar glider wrangler
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.