SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
black phone good
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish