I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
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I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I think this cat is broken
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.