In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes