Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
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Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.