I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it